


The Real Demons

by wholocked_Pinkie_in_theImpala



Series: The AU No One Needed [4]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Gen, One Shot, Panic Attacks, anyway, apologies to the boys, hello yes im projecting again, just a lil bit, shyan if you squint, smol bean protects giraffe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 09:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13760889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholocked_Pinkie_in_theImpala/pseuds/wholocked_Pinkie_in_theImpala
Summary: Sometimes Shane’s tough, outer shell shattered into pieces. Good thing Ryan was always going to be there to glue everything back together.





	The Real Demons

It was clear to Ryan that Shane wasn’t quite the same after the Dorothy and Delaney House incident (or as it casually became known: the D ‘n’ D Incident). He was jumpier and less provoking of supposed spirits. In a recent video, he had even admitted to hearing the same EVP Ryan had. That in itself was both an amazing feat as well as a concerning one.

Many of their viewers hadn’t even noticed the "new" Shane, and those that did said it was a nice change that Shane wasn’t being so headstrong. Ryan disagreed. This change was so much deeper than they could see -- than even he himself could see. Shane just refused to ever let anyone know what was going on in that cluttered mind of his.

If their viewers knew what Shane had gone through they probably wouldn’t be as accepting of the new Shane. Ryan had been courteous enough to cut out some of the more brutal pieces of their filming (such as the panic after the bedroom door slammed shut and when Shane got dragged away) and had even covered for Shane after the millions of comments asked why he looked so fucked up at the end of the video in the car. All he said was that one of the steps gave way when they were walking down to the basement and Shane was unfortunate enough to be the one standing on it. It wasn’t like it was a complete lie. He also said that was the reason they didn’t spend the night there as was intended because Shane needed a hospital. Two birds one stone.

They seemed to accept that and no one questioned it again. Not even when they did their very first true crime video. It was just assumed that Shane was still recovering from falling down a flight of stairs. Which, once again, wasn’t a complete lie.

Regardless of how well put together their life seemed to be online, they were a real mess. Ryan had insisted on moving away from the paranormal but Shane knew that wouldn’t bode well with the audience. Their whole start was based on the believer/skeptic dynamic. If that went away then they might as well stop making videos. And while he didn’t say it, Ryan was fine with never filming again if it meant Shane would be comfortable. They eventually came to an agreement that the center of their channel wouldn’t revolve around the supernatural anymore. All things unsolved would be the new brand.

It also made things a little easier since they both decided to go to college. Their year off was quite the adventure, but it made them realize they couldn’t do it forever. It also made Ryan realize how anything could happen at any time. It was better to be safe than sorry.

College wasn’t easy by any means; and after a year of not being academic in any way, it was almost torture. The two had decided to go to the same community college, so Ryan had at least one class with Shane. It was a coincidence that they joked about a lot. Can’t get rid of you, they said to each other.

There was a week where Ryan was sick and one day where he was so sick he missed the day’s classes. Luckily, one of the classes happened to be the one with Shane. It was easier to ask someone he knew rather than a stranger he made the acquaintance of only to get information on a class if need be. So one day (the day itself isn’t important), he drove down to Shane’s house to get the lecture that he missed. He noted that Mr. and Mrs. Madej’s cars weren’t there. Off at work, most likely. It was a little disappointing since Ryan loved talking to Shane’s parents.

Especially his mother. That woman had the same no-bullshit-attitude as Shane -- except she used it for good: embarrassing the fuck out of her son when he was being a little shit.

Ryan knocked on the door. He waited a moment or two, expecting Shane to open the door looking like a cat squinting in disgust, but no one came. Curious, he knocked again. Yet again no one came. Shane had to be home -- he had night classes today. Ryan sighed and took out his phone. He sent Shane a text, telling him to open the stupid door. He expected to get one back saying to fuck off or calling him a stalker, but he didn’t get anything. He sent out another one and got nothing in return.

Immediately fearing the worst, Ryan searched the patio for the hidden key. Shane used to lose his house keys all the time so his father just put a hidden one somewhere so he would stop finding Shane waiting on the patio. But that was freshman year of high school -- back when he first met Shane. Ryan didn’t remember where it was or if it was even still there. Lucky for him, he just happened to find it partially buried in a pill bottle in the planter. It looked like it hadn’t been touched in a while.

He popped open the bottle and shoved the key in the lock. He made a mental note to return everything as he found it as he entered the house.

“Shane?” Ryan called out. He set the items down by the table next to him. There wasn't any movement in the house at all. “Shane, are you okay?” He walked the familiar path to Shane’s bedroom; around the coffee table, up the stairs, and the first door on the left.

He rapped on the door that was open a crack. “Shane, you in there?” He heard some shuffling and what sounded like… labored breathing. Now in concern mode, Ryan opened the door without another moment’s hesitation. He saw Shane, legs up to his chest and head in his knees, sitting on the floor by his bed. “Oh, Shane,” Ryan couldn’t help but breath out. The room itself was in utter disarray. Some papers were skewed across several locations and various items were knocked over, but that wasn’t what was important. In the center of it all was Shane.

Ryan closed the door as quietly as he could. He lingered a moment before going over to Shane and sitting next to him. All his movements were calculated and precise; anything to be the least alarming as possible. Because Ryan recognized the signs immediately.

“Are you okay with touch?” Ryan’s voice was calm. It needed to be. It  _ had  _ to be. There didn’t need to be two people freaking out.

Shane shook his head.

No touching, then. That would be something to note in the future. “That’s fine.” Ryan even scooted away so there would be a bigger space between them. “It’s cool -- I’m cool with that. But can I get you to do something for me?” He paused to see if Shane would speak. When he didn’t, he continued, “I’m gonna need you to breathe.”

As soon as the words left Ryan’s mouth, Shane took in a shuddering breath. It didn’t sound very healthy, but at least he was listening.

“That’s good. Can you keep doing that for me?” He waited to hear Shane take another big breath. “Great. I’m gonna ask you to step it up a little, alright? It’s nothing major. I know you can handle it; you’re a strong guy. All you need to do is exhale. Just breathe out slowly -- pretend you’re filling up a balloon.” Shane did as he was told. “Awesome. Keep doing that, alright?”

Ryan’s heart clenched whenever Shane’s breath was cut off by a sob. His fingers twitched with the need to comfort Shane physically but he managed to keep himself under control. It would probably make Shane panic more so he kept his hands in his lap.

“Can I get you to do something else for me?” Ryan tried his best to not let the concern leak into his voice. “Can you look up?”

Shane’s regulated breathing pattern stopped for a moment and he seemed to curl in on himself more. His shallow breathing returned with a vengeance.

“Hey -- hey, it’s fine.” It took the utmost control to stop Ryan from reaching out to Shane. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I asked. You can stay there --”

“N-no, i-it’s…” Shane took a sputtering breath before lifting his head up. His face was pink; the faint bruises on his skin disappeared from the hue. Tears were still fresh on his face and continued to roll down his cheeks in messy blobs. “I-I just d-didn’t want --” He became overcome with a new set of sobs followed by constricted breathing.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Ryan felt that harsh drop in his chest associated with pain. It hurt like hell to see Shane like this. He just didn’t need his stupid heart telling him that. “Remember to breathe -- fill up the balloon.” He watched Shane struggle with the technique -- dropping comforting words every once in a while -- before the breathing became less concerning. “Good. You’re doing great. It’ll be over soon, I promise. It won’t last forever.”

It felt like forever. And if it felt like forever to Ryan, it was an eternity for Shane. Ryan did the best that he could, he held a conversation with Shane, though one-sided, and gave words of encouragement and reassurance. It was hard to hear those familiar shudders of breath coming from Shane. Ryan could  _ feel  _ the constriction of lungs and hammering of the heart. The way Shane’s chest must have been burning like he was at the bottom of the ocean or the way panic would have been running through his veins. Ryan knew it a little too well. It didn't seem right for Shane to be going through it.

At last, Shane quieted down. He stared straight ahead with sobs dying on his lips like gentle sighs. Ryan watched him with extreme caution. This was a tender moment -- like seconds after ripping off a band-aid.

“Are you alright?” Ryan asked after deciding that he had been staring at Shane for too long. 

Shane closed his eyes and dipped his head back. The leftover tears on his skin had yet to dry. “I f-feel like sh-shit,” he grumbled. “Th-thanks f-for asking.”

Ryan noticed the persistent stutter. “What happened?”

Shane sighed. He turned his head to look at Ryan. His eyes were pink and glassy. “N-nothing even m-major. I w-was stuck on a p-project and w-was getting f-frustrated, but th-that... turned into something… else.” He looked away.

“You could have called me as soon as it started,” Ryan chided. There was no real bite to the remark, it only held concern. “You shouldn’t go through this alone.”

“It’s f-fine.” Shane rested his head on his knees. “It’s not th-the f-first time. I can deal w-with it m-myself.”

“What?” Ryan didn’t intend to shout; it just kind of slipped out. He regretted it the second Shane flinched in response. He returned it to a low volume to say, “What do you mean it isn’t the first time? When, when was the first time?”

Shane seemed to hesitate. “A couple w-weeks ago.”

Weeks.  _ Weeks?! _ Shane went that whole time without telling anyone -- and he dealt with it himself!  _ Alone. _ Ryan wouldn’t be able to do that. He had to have someone with him. Shane was a bit of a lone wolf type, sure, but this was dealing with a panic attack of all things. It was impossible for Ryan to fathom going through the turmoil of a panic attack and its aftermath alone.

“Have they been consistent?” He needed to know -- for his own sanity. Shane couldn’t have gone through this more than once. He couldn’t.

Once again Shane hesitated and Ryan felt his chest lurch. “Uh… n-not exactly.”

“What do you mean?”

Shane sighed softly. He closed his eyes as if bracing for something. “Ever since... the D’n’D incident I’ve been…” His mouth twisted shut. Ryan could tell he was concentrating on taming his stutter. The next words were slow and purposeful, “I’ve been a little different. I’m trying not to be. I know it’s only a matter of time before it affects everything but,” he let out a bitter laugh, “It might be too late for that.” He opened his eyes and looked at Ryan and Ryan could see for once how tired Shane was. “I’ve just been freaking out over everything -- over nothing. I think it’s getting worse. I had two just this week and last week I had more than one on the same day.”

Shane was being tortured. Ryan never experienced anything that bad. His attacks weren’t consistent and the most he had ever had was twice in the same month. Shane was on another level of panic.

“Shane,” Ryan wasn’t sure how to proceed. He didn’t have any knowledge on how to stop panic attacks. Only how to deal with them. So instead he went another direction. “You do know whats happening to you, right?”

“I don’t really want to admit it.” He laughed again, more like it was an attempt to cheer himself up, but there wasn’t the usual ring to it.

Ryan frowned. The way his chest was feeling hollow wasn’t helping. “You’re having panic attacks. Well, maybe, anxiety attacks. It might help you if you acknowledge what’s going on.”

It was Shane’s turn to frown. “I’m n-not --” He turned away from Ryan again. “I c-can’t -- I-I don’t th-think --” He stopped to take a breath. “How can I? How can, how c-can I just s-say w-what’s wrong w-with m-me? How c-can I admit th-that I’m m-more broken th-than I p-previously th-thought?”

Ryan clenched his fist so he wouldn’t reach out to touch Shane. Hearing this was a little too much to bear. It made his heart twist uncomfortably. “You’re not broken, Shane --” Ryan was more than surprised when he got cut off.

“How are you able to s-say th-that?” Shane snapped, though Ryan had to admit that the stutter took out some of the venom. “You’ve known m-me since f-freshman year. You know how I w-was -- how I s-still tend to be. I’m just -- just a…” This anger wasn’t directed at anyone but Shane. Shane was mad at himself and himself alone. “A huge f-fuck up. A guy who c-can’t even talk to p-people w-without p-panicking a little inside. I s-stutter over everything. B-before I m-met you, I didn’t even talk to anyone. I c-couldn’t. I w-was always too afraid to. You w-were m-my f-first f-friend, Ryan.” Shane looked at Ryan. Tears were flowing again. “You w-were th-the only other p-person w-willing to deal w-with m-me.”

Ryan had no idea. He knew Shane was shy and awkward, it just never occurred to him that that might have inhibited Shane from making any friends. It hurt. It hurt to know that Shane had gone fourteen years of his life without someone he could talk to. And it hurt like hell to see the outcome. Shane, on his bedroom floor, sobbing his heart out like he had never done before. It was an odd feeling and experience -- like finding a wounded animal. Ryan wanted to protect Shane, help him, and make sure something like this never happens again.

Ryan had to physically stop himself from pulling Shane into an embrace. “Shane…” Ryan knew he had to figure out what to say. Shane had never been this vulnerable before, and if Ryan didn’t react well to it then Shane would shut himself up again. Ryan sighed. He had to be honest rather than try to “fix” the problem -- even if it hurt Shane more. “I know you’re going to expect me to say that it’s okay. That it’s fine, or whatever, but the truth is… I have no idea what you’ve been through. I can’t pretend to understand, or, or act like I know how you feel because I don’t. I’ve never gone through anything that you have. Talking is something I’m good at -- been good at for a long time. At first, sure, it wasn’t easy, but I am not like you, Shane. No one is like you.” Ryan tried not to react to the betrayal that flashed across Shane’s face. “And  _ that  _ is okay. You’re different. You’re special. I’ve noticed that since the very first moment I saw you. You don’t have to try to act like everyone else. You don’t have to pretend that your life is together. Things get broken all the time, Shane, but that doesn’t mean they turn into something different.”

Ryan paused to see if Shane would say something, except he stared at Ryan with an unreadable expression. The only sounds he made were the hiccups of trying to catch a breath rather than a sob. Ryan continued with a tiny smile, “You, Shane Alexander Madej, have plenty of time to do so many things. One day all of your worries won’t matter anymore because you’ll find something good enough to pull you out of the past and look toward the future.”

Shane stared at Ryan with wide eyes. It was like he never expected Ryan to try to help him. Which was ridiculous -- Ryan had been helping him since freshman year.

“It won’t happen immediately,” Ryan admitted. “But I’ll be with you every step of the way -- just like I have been for the past five years.”

Shane let out a tiny smile -- reminding Ryan of the first time he ever met Shane. “Ryan --” Shane cut himself off.

“Yes?” Ryan grinned, a welcoming invitation for whatever was to come next.

He hesitated. “Th-thank you.” It looked like he wanted to say something else, but Ryan didn’t press him.

“No problem, man.” Ryan paused before asking, “Is it alright if I hug you now? Y-you can say no.”

Shane chuckled and shook his head in amusement. “Yeah, you can hug me. Weirdo.” He mumbled that last word under his breath but made sure it was loud enough for Ryan to hear.

Ryan didn’t care.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to keep Shane's stutter consistent throughout these stories, but that's a little tricky when you learned how stutters should work long after your first published story. I'm trying, my dudes. Anyway, let me know what you think of this!


End file.
